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January 16, 2004

The Daily Show - Bush v. Bush

[I saw this when it aired. Stewart used unedited clips from Bush's days as Governor of Texas and his current reign as pResident. The segment was both terrifying and hilarious at the same time. The person who wrote the transcript and posted it to a mailing list on xent.com misspelled Stewart's name. It's "Jon," not "John."]

Comedy Central
April 30, 2003

John Stewart: Now, since the beginning of all this weapons
of mass destruction, regime change, pockets of resistance, targets of
opportunity business, it's been difficult to have an honest discussion
about the direction Pres. Bush is taking this country. In fact, when
you combine the new mandate that criticizing the commander and chief is
off-limits in wartime with last year's official disbanding of the
Democratic party, well we're left at an all-time low in the good
old-fashion honest debate category. Now I know you're thinking: "but
John, every time I want to have a calm, honest discussion about these
kinds of issues I'm shouted down and harrassed by, uh, the Dixie Chicks
and their ilk."

JS: Well tonight it all changes. We're going to
have an honest, open debate between the President of the United States
and the one man we believe has the insight and the cojones to stand up
to him: so first, joining us tonight George W. Bush, 43rd President of
the United States, welcome Mr. President.

Pres: Good evening I'm pleased to take your questions tonight.

JS: Well thank you very much sir, I'm pleased to ask them. Taking the
other side, joining us from the year 2000, Texas governor and
Presidential candidate, George W. Bush.

Gov: Good evening.

JS: Thank you Governor. Mr. President, you won the coin toss, the
first question will go to you. Why is the United States of America
using its power to change governments in foreign countries?

Pres: We must stand up for our security and for the permanent rights
and the hopes of mankind. The USA will make that stand.

JS: Well certainly that represents a bold new doctrine in foreign
policy, Mr. President. Governor Bush, do you agree with that?

Gov: I'm not so sure the role of the United States should be to go
around the world and say "this is the way it's gotta be."

JS: Alright, well that's interesting. That's a difference of opinion,
and certainly that's what this country is about, differences of
opinion. Mr. President, let me just get specific. Why are we in Iraq?

Pres: Well, umm... we will be changing the regime of Iraq... for the
good of the Iraqi people.

JS: Governor, then I'd like to hear your response on that.

Gov: If we're an arrogant nation, then they'll resent us. I think one
way for us to end up being viewed as the Ugly American is to go around
the world saying "we do it this way, so should you."

JS: Well, that's an excellent point. I don't think you can argue with
that! Mr. President, so is the idea to just build a new country that
we like better?

Pres: We will tear down the apparatus of terror, and we will help
build a new Iraq that is prosperous and free.

Gov: I don't think our troops ought to be used for what's called
"nation building."

JS: Well, that's fair enough, Governor, well, certainly you're
entitled to that. But then Gov., answer this: how do you propose that
we nation-build? Would you use diplomacy?

Gov. Let me say this: I wouldn't use force. I wouldn't use force.


JS: Well... Mr. President, clearly you're skeptical of the governor.
Now Gov., you sound categorically against the use of force. In your
time in Texas, what have you done to demonstrate your willingness to be

Gov: I've been standing up to Big Hollywood, Big Trial Lawyers...
Um, what was the question, it was about
emergencies, wasn't it?

JS: No. No it wasn't. Getting back to Iraq,
Mr. President, you're as familiar with the Governor's record in Texas
as anybody. Are you willing, Mr. President, to trust Gov. Bush with
our foreign policy?

Pres: I am not willing to take that chance again, John.

JS: Strong words from two very different men. Now, as this debate
draws to a close, I need to turn to the subject of money. Much of this
discussion on foreign policy is moot if we can't afford to pay for it.
So we're running out of time, quickly, both of you, let's talk numbers.

Pres: I'm sending the Congress a wartime supplemental appropriations
request of $74.7 BILLION dollars, to fund needs directly arising from
the Iraqi conflict.

JS: $74.7 billion dollars appears to be within the realm of reason.

Gov: Obviously tonight we're going to hear some phony numbers about
what I think and what we ought to do. [jb?]

JS: That's a little vituperative! Well on that note I want to thank
both George W. Bushes for taking part tonight, and keeping with our
debate rules we will end our discussion with a trite and insincere
farewell. Mr. President, you are the most powerful man in the world,
you can go first.

Pres: Goodnight. And may God continue to bless America.

JS: Wow. Incredibly insincere! Governor, can you top that?

Gov: Thanks...
Thanks from the bottom of my heart...

JS: Nice. Wow.

Posted on January 16, 2004 at 09:25 AM | Permalink


One of the best segments they've ever done. Up there with the "Even Steven" segment on religion.

Posted by: Jeff at Jan 16, 2004 3:10:55 PM