More On Cougars - Older Men, Younger Women, Mistresses and Married Men

I'm reading the book "Cougar : A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men", and it's quite fascinating. I get the impression that many cougars are divorced, middle-aged women who are still, to put it in the words of the author, hot chili peppers. That brings me to older men, in particular married older men who seek mistresses who are much younger than they are.

Most often people hear about the stereotype of the older man dating very young women rather than the other way around. You know the joke - if she were any younger she'd be sperm. I was that very young woman when I was younger, and I today I still attract men who are my age or older. I'm happily married, so I'm not looking for anyone. I can relax, and look at the whole picture.

When I worked as a gaffer (lighting), makeup artist, and scenic artist, I attracted both younger and older men because my job brought me in contact with them, but I preferred the older men. There were three who were younger than me that caught my eye, but I was already getting seriously involved with my eventual husband. If I weren't with my eventual husband, I would have hooked up with one of these guys in particular. He was a few years younger than me, and he was a dead ringer for Legolas in the "Lord of the Rings" movies. Long blonde hair and all. He was also a very good friend.

Onto the older men. Some of the older men were decent sorts, but others were mainly interested in me because of my youth and sexiness. Some were married to women their own age. I was a mistress when I was in college, and I know first-hand some of the unsavory reasons some men prefer women young enough to be their daughters and granddaughters. Due to that experience, I can advise women why they should avoid affairs. I highly recommend not dating a married man. Very bad for you, and for much more than the usual reasons, such as you never get to see him on holidays and you have to meet in secret. These are the same married guys who later divorce and exclusively date women who don't remember the Vietnam War. Granted, not all older men who date younger women are like this, including the ones who are married, but quite a few of them are. I also heard similar stories from my friends who dated older men who acted like this.

Here are a few of the reasons these particular older guys date younger women. Applies whether he is married or unmarried.

* Mid-life crisis

* Thinks his wife doesn't understand him. (She understands him all too well, which is part of his problem.)

* Says his wife won't have sex with him anymore or that sex is lackluster. (Ladies, if you choose to not heed my words aim to be a mistress anyway, don't believe a word of that nonsense. Of course he's screwing his wife. That's a classic line from married men.)

* Likes the competition he purposefully creates between his wife and his mistress or mistresses. Catfights turn him on.

* Loves blow jobs, but refuses to go down on a woman. Cunnilingus is Teh Icky.

* Wants a woman who will hang on his every word, admire him with no strings attached, and tell him what a sexy buck he is even though he's old enough to be her father.

* Wants to impress other people who see this Gorgeous Young Thang hanging on his arm. He wants envious stares from the older men and Church Lady pursed lips from older women, especially older women he wouldn't consider for a second as a dating partner.

*Likes the lack of commitment, but doesn't like it when the same young woman who doesn't want to commit to him openly dates other men - especially men her own age. A married man who thinks this way is full of chutzpah.

* Wants a bevy of young women at his beck and call. Doesn't like it when she wants a bevy of guys at her beck and call. See previous comment.

* Knows damned well that an older, more experienced woman (like a cougar) won't put up with his bullshit, so he seeks a more pliable woman who would be more likely to want to impress him as his fuck buddy.

My relationships with these particular kinds of older men did not last long because I quickly grew weary of the poor treatment. Older women who date younger men are well aware of this kind of treatment they may have received from a man their own age.

I found what Valerie Gibson had to say about why cougars are better off with younger men than they would be with older men amusing, considering my experience with some older men when I dated them while in college. Check out what Gibson had to say about it:

WHAT A COUGAR WON'T GET WITH A YOUNGER MAN

*mid-life crisis

*erectile dysfunction

*a beer belly (Trish's note: she forgot man boobs and comb-over)

*excuses or "headaches"

*an ex-wife and kids (okay, maybe one) (Trish's note: watch how he treats his ex-wife. If he treats her like shit or complains about her endlessly, be careful. Should the two of you split, it's likely he will give you the same treatment. I have said this numerous times to second wives who end up getting divorced, and they know I'm right.)

*Viagra (unless it's for fun and extra stimulation)

*objections to condoms

*hair dye (if there's any, change your stylist)

*snoring (if he does you're too exhausted to notice)

*use of toothpicks

*a two-minute "wham-bam-was-it-good-for-you" sexual yawn every Saturday morning

*personal laundry (you send it home with him)

More from Gibson:

WHAT A COUGAR WILL GET WITH A YOUNGER MAN

*enthusiastic oral sex

*multiple orgasms

*public affection

*a flat stomach

*a firm butt

*always-ready sexual equipment

*spontaneity

*stamina

*adoration and appreciation

*admiration (from other cougars)

*someone who looks good every morning (no matter what he did the night before)

*did I mention multiple orgasms?

Notice that these lists tend to be about sex? I noticed. Cougars according to the book are especially interested in the sexual aspect of the relationship, but some cougars I've heard from hooked up with their younger man because they were compatible in many ways. I think that being a cougar is about much more than having hot monkey sex with younger men. At least two I heard from married their younger man. It goes back to what I had first said about cougars - these are older women who are confident, attractive, sexy, intelligent, and comfortable in their own skins. All of those qualities are great to aim for. If you get an attractive, attentive man in the process, regardless of his age, that's icing on the cake.

Comments

[Must remain anonymous]

I'm a younger (28) married man. My relationship is awesome, and sex is great with my wife. However, I'm interested in persuing a sexual relationship with a cougar... with wifey knowing of course. How sould I go about this?

[The Countess]

Hi! Welcome to my blog!

It sounds like polyamory might be for you. Polyamory means "loving more than one". It is done with the knowledge and permission of your spouse. Communication is the key. Check out a two-part article I wrote about polamory for nuts4chic (with my pen name, Elizabeth Black):

http://www.nuts4chic.com/2006/nuts4love/Polyamory2/Polyamory1_1.html

http://www.nuts4chic.com/2006/nuts4love/Polyamory2/Polyamory1_2.html

Make sure your wife reads the article as well. A good magazine is "Loving More":

http://www.lovemore.com/

Definitely tell your wife what you are thinking about. It goes both ways, too. If she finds someone who interests her, it's only fair that you allow her what you would allow for yourself. As long as you keep the lines of communication open, things should be fine, even if you have some jealousy issue to work out.

Good luck to you!!

[tom paine]

Found you from Sugasm. I enjoy C. doing a younger man, she goes by the various names of MILF and Cougar and hates them both!

[A. Non.]

Wow! I can appreciate that you have become jaded through your experience, and the experiences of other younger women with older men.

I am a mid-life married man who is in a relationship with a younger woman - not young enough to be my daughter, but more than a decade younger than me. In our case, I pretty much disagree with every point on your "why older guys date younger women" list. I pamper and am very attentive to my younger love, helping her through serious crises, giving her priority in my life, and eliciting "I've never experienced anything like that in my entire life" orgasms from her - apparently the same-age men she has been with didn't know how to listen to a woman's body. She has many male friends who are actively interested in her, but we are quite fortunate to share a special bond of trust that enables a healthy relationship while not imposing the problems that jealousy and control raises. (And no, I haven't slept with my wife for many, many years - I just can't feel sensual around a woman with anger issues.)

We mid-life men with younger lovers are not all cads or boors. Occasionally, our current wives have their own issues that impair the marriage which we choose not to end to enable some semblance of stability for our kids. Like you, we have desires and passions, and the need to love and be loved. Some of us also have a sense of responsibility, and face the difficult task of navigating among competing interests. The lucky ones among us find a lover who appreciates a complex and sensitive nature. I'm hoping that she will eventually become my last wife.

Although you seem to have had good luck with your boy-toys, I have heard stories from women friends my own age of self-absorption, and a very shallow engagement with younger men. With regard to less mature men (of any and all ages) I'm reminded of the Five Reasons Men Are Scum and Women Let Us Get Away With It, from the TV show, Dead Like Me:

"Five reasons men are scum and women let us get away with it. One: we only want one thing. No exceptions. Two: we fall in love with you before we can have that thing and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversely fall in love afterwards. Three: we will lie, cheat, steal or murder in order to get that thing... why am I sugarcoating this, you're a big girl... in order to fuck you. Four: we freely admit the numbers one, two, three, and women don't care. And the number five reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it: you can't live without us."

[The Countess]

Great comments, Anonymous. I've had both men older and younger than me, and there are pros and cons to both. I've met younger men who were very lacking in maturity, as you described. Some of them were more mature than men my own age. I was describing the older men that disappointed me, but not all of them have. Maybe my post wasn't clear on that point.

You mention that you are married, and having a relationship with a younger woman. If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been with the younger woman, and how do you keep that relationship a secret from your wife, assuming it's a secret? I've met polyamorous people who openly have more than one partner, so I never assume that all the parties aren't aware of each other, if you know what I mean.

I think that men and women can't live without each other. We may gripe, fight, cheat, lie, and sulk, but we can't live without each other.

Thanks for the thoughtful comments, and welcome to my blog!

[ammien]

Women often talk about older woman younger male. What they never talk about is the fact that he too will one day want someone younger and will be cheating on his older women with a younger woman. Thats what did my relationship with an older woman in.
I liked her when I was 19, but when I was 26, I began to catch the eye of 20 year old women and I fell for their charms and met my ex fiancee.

Its true. Older women only talk about the SEX aspects of older woman/younger male. You can listen to young males talk about older women and older women talk about young amles and never once hear the word "love/companionships/til death do us part". Just sex. Its not a love relationship. Thats why it rarely develops into marriage (but does sometimes. ashtin)

Women are only talking about the sex part. They never talk about the "he refuses to marry me because I'm older than him" part. or the "he had a secret girl his own age" part.Or the "he left me for a younger woman part". Or the "I'm not exactly the most fertile female and he wants to have 4 kids" part. Women only focus on the NEGATIVE aspects of older male younger female couples (ignoring the positive benefits) and only focus on the positive aspects older woman younger male (ignoring the negative aspects).

[Duchess]

well, well! first of all, I love the article, dear Countess. You spoke eloquently and wisely. and second, the responses were interesting as well.
For the last 13 yrs, I have dated ONLY younger men. In the begining, I felt a bit self-conscious. I never sought it out, it just happened that way. And to be very honest, I prefered the younger men, not just for their willingness and readiness sexually, but because they were adoring, receptive, open-minded, and respectful. (With one exception). All - except one - were just as mature or more so than men my own age. 3 times I was asked in marriage. I did not marry them because I did not feel it was the right time. I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 yrs. He is younger than I am. I never think about it. He never makes me feel it. In fact, he thinks I am as sexy and beautiful as a woman in her 20s. He sees my soul. Age ain't nothing but a number. Now, a little advice for all: affairs are ALWAYS wrong, and will always have negative consequences. I believe so even when both people are aware. At some point, someone will feel left out. Men with wives with "anger" issues might really think about not being married and might instead prove to prioritize their mistress. By leaving the other relationship. Stability for the children? Based on a sham? Sooner or later the cat will be out of the bag. Your kids will not only resent you, but will loose respect for you, for wanting to live a charade. Karma will follow you closely. Same for any marriage situation. If anyone can no longer honor their vows, they should try to keep everyone's dignity and honor as intact as possible, and prevent further damage to all parties involved.
For the boys who later find a girl their age who catches their eye: c'est la vie, honey. If you find the right woman and you are both ready, you will not care what her age is. Falling in love with another, whatever her age, is ok. Old guys with young girls, same. But older guys with youger girls will start running into problems with their equipment (thank God for viagra). Everything is ok, though, granted you are not already married.
Soooooooooooo, well, that's it for now. Go cougars! :)

[Adult Sex Toys Rep - AdamEve.com]

I first learned about the term cougar on Saturday Night Live. I love the comparisons that a cougar will get from a younger man as opposed to an older man. I am young and I do have a flat ass and a flat butt. I won't go down on a woman though. Haha, I prefer going down on a man instead. If you look good, there is nothing wrong with dating someone that is younger than you.

[Without Prescription]

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[Sharri]

Old Cougars are disgusting. They hunt younger, innocent men down and ruin them forever. Old cougars are lustful and downright sleazy. They cannot get men their own age anymore and this is why they try younger men. Younger men are horny and are easily led astray. As soon as the lust period is over they will realise they are dating and going down on someone who is and looks old enough to be their mother. They will then get a fright and distance themselves from the old cougar. Other self-respecting women frown upon old cougars with younger men and know it is just sex. There is nothing meant with love, respect, honr, marriage vows etc. Older women are smelly and young men should have someone fresh and their own age. I dont care how these cougars say they have kept their bodies firm, they are still old in my opinion. They make total arses of themselves. Old cougars like to keep young boytoys drunk. Encourage them to drink often so that they can look good in their drunken minds. When a man is drunk any ugly, old women looks good.