January 28, 2016
Next On The Women Show (Radio) - Internet Crazies
Elizabeth Black writes in a wide variety of genres including erotica, erotic romance, and dark fiction. She lives on the Massachusetts coast with her husband, son, and three cats. Visit her erotic fiction web site, her horror/dark fiction web site, her Facebook page, her erotic fiction Amazon Author Page, and her dark fiction/horror Amazon Author Page.
They are coming out of the woodwork. Plenty of people, especially women, have had to deal with Internet crazies. These crazies often show up in your Facebook private messages. Sometimes they aren't even your friends. I've had a slew of them recently, mostly men. Claiming to have military service is popular. Just today, I saw another one who claimed to be military stationed in Iraq. He had only one friend in common with me and I have no idea who that woman is. There was no other information about him available on Facebook. He doesn't update his timeline with anything about himself. Nope, all these guys do the same thing. He posted a picture of himself in civies and another picture of himself in his uniform. That's it.
Why do so many of these guys think that making a fake military listing will attract women? I've heard from numerous high-ranking (yeah, like I'm going to believe that) military personnel, especially doctors, who say they are stationed in the Middle East. They're rank, all right. Then there are the non-American men who immediately ask me if I'm married with children. Unfriend. Block. Or the men who tell me my profile picture is beautiful and they want to be my friend. When I told one I was married and not interested in hooking up with anyone, he said he'd love to pretend I was his sister. Yeah, sure. Unfriend. Block. Or the men who claim to have incurable illnesses (brain cancer is popular) and want to leave their money to me if only I leave them my bank information. Unfriend. Block. I toyed with one of these guys a few years ago only because he wrote in French and I wanted to brush up on my French. He asked me where I lived, if I was married, if I had children, and then launched into his sad story of having brain cancer and he needed me to donate money to him for experimental surgery that just happened to cost thousands of dollars. I noticed all his friends were female, mostly romance writers I knew. I warned a few about him, and they unfriended and blocked him. He did not update his timeline at all. The only updates were from unsuspecting women thanking him for his friend invite. I imagine he contacted them with the same tall tales hoping to get some cold hard cash out of them. I told him I couldn't give him any money, but I was suffering from an illness myself – terminal acne – and I desperately needed him to send me money for experimental surgery. I can't take credit for that one. I first saw that one on the comic strip Bloom County. Bill the Cat died from terminal acne. So I stole from the best. He ignored me and kept trying to get money out of me. He didn't react to anything I wrote no matter how outrageous it was. All he wanted was to part me from my money. I finally got bored and I stopped writing to him. He never wrote back and I see now his account is gone.
Women pull these stunts, too. I heard from one from Japan whom I friended and I should have known better. She immediately signed me up for two groups on Facebook with explicit porn. Unfriend. Block. Or the other woman on Facebook who talked to me for a few days before sending me a private message to say she was in dire need of several thousand dollars and could I lend it to her? Nope. Those "I'm stranded in Europe and I need money" scams from people faking your friend's accounts are common. So are money scams on the web. Unfriend. Block. These Facebook porn groups piss me off. Facebook won't take them down, but you post a book cover with so much as a hint of a nipple and not only is your cover taken down but you're put in Facebook jail for a week or more.
About ten years ago, I stumbled upon The Spam Letters, a website by Jonathan Land, a wiseguy who answered spam he received in the most outrageous and ridiculous manner. Some of the spammers actually wrote back and still tried to sell him stuff he didn't need or tried to part him from his money. He included lots of his responses to classic Nigerian e-mail scam letters. He has since taken down all of the several hundred spam letters except for about two dozen since he has compiled them all in a book, and the book is available for sale on Amazon. I did manage to find my favorite Spam Letter. He responded to an unsolicited email trying to sell him erectile dysfunction herbal supplements. Here's his hilarious reply.
Boy, do I have a bone to pick with you.
You should really pay more attention to who you send your advertising to.
I am a 17-year-old college student, who, as any average 17-year-old male could tell you, is sexually excited more often then not. If a butterfly flaps its wings in China, I guarantee you there isn't an atomic clock that can accurately measure the speed with which I will pitch a tent.
I know you were hoping to get some 45-year-old dentist who has spent the past 20 years of his life with a woman who makes any given NPR personality look like a sex kitten, and yes, that includes the guys from "Car Talk".
My point is this: because of your primitive "marketing strategy, you have screwed me over BIG TIME!
I've been seeing this girl for about three months now, and I've finally figured out the right combination of sensitivity and alcohol to coerce her into relieving me of that mighty, mighty albatross: virginity. So, we're back at my room in the frat house. We start making out a little and I need to go to the bathroom because I'm wicked blitzed, and I haven't taken a leak all night. So she asks, "while you're gone, do you mind if I download some mood music off of Napster"? Since I only have Limp Bizkit CDs, I have no "sensitive, love-making music," so I say, "Sure, get some Smashing Pumpkins or shit like that Baby." Am I good or what?
So I'm in the bathroom thinking: Okay, if I take her clothes off at the rate of one article every 10 minutes (an efficient, yet sensitive pace – I'm a math major), I will be losing my virginity within the hour, but then I realize: Hey, we're in Buffalo, NY. In winter. Who knows how many layers of clothing she's wearing! I might stay a virgin for two more hours! I can't take it! (That's when I remembered that I had thermal underwear on, and that just ain't manly by any yardstick, so I got rid of them.)
I come out of the bathroom, and she's just sitting there wit this completely different expression on her face. She says: "Sweetie, I saw that e-mail about the natural Viagra stuff that your friend sent you. It's okay, we don't need to rush this." I was completely torn. I can't say something like, "Yo, that ain't true, I'll make sweet, sweet love to you senseless right here, right now, over and over and over" without giving up the sensitive front. So I say, "Baby, I'm sorry you had to find out about my erectile dysfunction this way, but I'd like to try this. I'd like to try and make you happy." She was on board. Kid Genius had saved the day!
So we were fooling around for a few hours, and all I'm thinking from the get-go is: "Okay, why am I not hard yet?" This girl is a cheerleader for Christ's sake, and my penis is acting like I'm in bed with Nathan Lane. After a while she gets real frustrated, calls me a fag, goes home, and the next day she's doing one of my fraternity brothers. My one prospect of virginity-loss has slipped through my hands like a grain of sand in an hourglass, a moment of time that cannot be regained, just like that grain of sand that will never pass through the glass chamber in the same way, no matter how many times you flip the thing over. And believe me. I tried flipping her over, and that didn't work either. (I've got a minor in philosophy – can you tell??)
Did you know that some ancient tribes from South America, such as the Yanomamo, punish murderers not only for the people they've killed, but for the deaths of the potential descendants of those people as well? Well I should fucking sue you to the tune of all the girls I could have done by now if I lost my virginity as scheduled. All because of you, I'm still a virgin. Maybe since last week I could have banged 30 chicks a night, but I'll never know now. I'm just sitting around waiting for the mayor of Poonville to award me the medal of pity and give me the key to the city.
Thanks loads, dude,
If you'd like to buy the book to read more of these delightful letters, just to go Amazon and look for The Spam Letters in either Print or Kindle. What's really amusing is that Land convinced a spammer to write his forward. Go check out the book.
Now back to more Internet crazies. Before I was a fiction writer and sex/relationships writer, I wrote political and feminist articles for several magazines and web sites. I was quite well known, and with the fame came the misogynistic baggage all feminists have to deal with. These were my first Internet crazies. I regularly heard from men's rights activists who liked to tell me I was wrong about everything while calling me a cunt and worse. In case you don't know what they are, men's rights activists are men – mostly middle aged white men but some are younger and of color – who feel that their sense of entitlement is being threatened by gains made by women, people of color, and GLBT folk. There are also women in the men's rights movement. They are the men's auxiliary, and they support the guys in every way, even down to doing their grunt work for them. These women were most often wives, girlfriends, sisters, and mothers of the men in the movement, and they had a vested interest in seeing the status quo maintained. I estimated that women comprised about 40% of the movement. Some of these guys want to repeal women's right to vote. They claim the vast majority of rape allegations are false. These guys will whine to anyone who will listen to them, and that often consists of an echo chamber of their own kind. Now, they meet on the Internet. Before the Internet, they met in member's homes, church halls, or other public places. They're very politically active and they try to roll back gains made by women, people of color, and GLBT folk over the past 30 odd years. And I heard from plenty of them, the emails ranging from mild insults to death threats.
Due to the influx of nutcases harassing me on Facebook over the past week, I've decided to host a radio show on The Women Show about Internet crazies. Do you have your own tales of strange men harassing you on Facebook? Do you get email from Nigerian princes who want to send you millions of dollars (people still fall for that one?)? Do writers friend you only to immediately spam your timeline and private messages with junk about their books without so much as saying hello? If you've experienced any of this or know someone who has, this is the show for you. Here are details:
The Women Show – Internet Crazies
Date: Thursday February 18, 2016 6:30 – 7 PM EST
Host – Elizabeth Black
Guests – Phoenix Johnson, Christine Morgan, and Jen Winters.
Keep an eye on my Facebook page for more details, including a link to the show with more information.
Elizabeth Black - Facebook
February 10, 2014
VALENTINE'S DAY SALE - 99 Cents Erotic Fairy Tales
Look for a BIG SALE this week. From February 12 through February 17, I'm lowering the price of my two erotic fairy tales "Trouble In Thigh High Boots" and "Climbing Her Tower" to 99 cents for Valentine's Day. These may be erotic romances, but since they are based on fairy tales, they're quite dark. Keep an eye here for updates.
January 20, 2014
Romance Novel Radio Show Jan 21 at 4 PM EST
Romance is in the air! Tomorrow, Tuesday, January 21, I'm co-hosting the radio show "A Good Story Is A Good Story" with Marsha Casper Cook. Guests are Jacqueline Hopkins-Walton, Jean Joachim, and Sable Hunter. We're talking about romance and reading from our works. Be there at 4 PM EST for a fantastic show.
February 02, 2013
Welcome Folks From Turners Falls!
It was good to meet you at the book reading on Groundhog's Day! Just letting you know, this is my old web site. For information about my books, please go to my new web site, located here:
Thanks and it was great to spend time with you. I hope you enjoy my books.
March 28, 2012
"Purr" Is No Longer Censored!
FINALLY! "Purr" is no longer banned at AllRomanceEBooks!! Pick up your copy today. This is my short erotic version of "Puss In Boots". My longer one, which is coming soon (self-published), is "Trouble In Thigh High Boots". "Purr" was temporarily censored when my entire publisher was caught up in the Paypal censorship nonsense for over a month.
"Good afternoon, cat! How went your trip to the king?"
She smiled, happy he recognized her. She gave the farmer a confident smile, eager to continue her plan. She strode to him, and gave him a deep, elegant bow. "Very well, my friend. He enjoyed the gifts of my Master, the Marquis of Carabas." The farmer's wife nursed her infant, her full breasts spilling out from beneath her flowing cotton blouse. Such a hypnotic sight! An urge overwhelmed her to take a suck herself. She had a weakness for soft, enormous breasts, especially ones filled with milk. Her groin warmed, and shifted her stance to take the pressure from her arousal.
"You have a fine infant there. How old is he?"
"Six months, and my wife has lost all her baby weight. Those breasts are especially nice, particularly late at night when it's cold outside." He smiled, walked to Muca, and laid a hand on her shoulder. "I see you're as enraptured as I am of her."
"She is indeed a fine woman, sir."
"Stop gossiping about me, you two." His wife gave Muca a saucy look as she switched the baby from one breast to the other, giving Muca a momentary glimpse of a brown nipple. Her nipples grew erect at the beautiful sight.
October 14, 2011
Special Sale! DON'T CALL ME BABY for $7.99!
Between Wednesday 12th October and Wednesday 26th October 2012, you can purchase the Mega Novel, Don’t Call Me Baby by Elizabeth Black for the amazing price of $7.99!
The Mega Novel Don’t Call Me Baby is the like having five Novella’s in one book and that alone is a Mega saving. Over 300 pages of naughty, kinky reading all in one HUGE book!
Do yourself a favor and don’t miss out on this special offer. Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your work mates because after Wednesday 26th October, it will back to the normal price of $9.99, which again is still a terrific price for this 300+ page mega novel!
To get your own copy of Don’t Call Me Baby, go to Smashwords.com and when you reach the check out, just pop in the code NB44Q to pay only $7.99! Don’t wait, this special fall sale offer ends soon!
Click here to go there now!
Don’t Call Me Baby is a fast-paced, quick-witted, sexy, Mega Novel about a young woman exploring her sexuality and the cultural morés she collides with on a daily basis.
It's 1983 in Maryland and Catherine Stone is sex on wheels. She plays the field the way men have done for aeons. Not content to strive for her MRS degree like so many young women her age, she seduces men of all stripes – married college professors, theatre students, virgins, complete strangers who intrigue her. She has already cost one man his job.
She asks herself lots of questions on her search to enjoy her sexuality. Why don't other women enjoy their sex as much as she does? Why do so many women and men look down on sexually free women, calling them sluts while sexually free men are called studs and Lotharios? She bucks at the double standards! Catherine has made no commitment to any man. She's free to explore and she gladly does so. No man can tie her down and no woman's judgment will stop her from playing the field to her heart's content.
Does she meet her match in a new man who introduces her to sexual bliss she had never before experienced? When she tries multiple partners and bondage for the first time as a submissive, she believes she's found the sexual bliss she is looking for – and with a man who not only introduces her to the finer things in life but also cares about her like no man ever has before.
Little did she know that several men, including a father and son, would please her over the upcoming summer weeks, including one man who was her match.
Now for a sneak preview of "Don’t Call Me Baby" by Elizabeth Black
Catherine Stone looked around the amusement park and rides but saw nothing unusual. It was the end of another hot and humid day in Maryland during the summer of 1983. The sun had set behind the trees, casting shadows across the park hiding the car she sat in to some extent. Catherine wished it were a bit darker outside, because she was in constant fear of getting caught, but it was a hot June evening, so that was too much to ask for. Besides, the possibility of getting caught thrilled her, made the encounter all the more exciting for her. Every horn blowing and car pulling in made her hair stand on end. Will this be the cop who pulls us over? Can we get away with me sucking him off here yet again?
She unzipped Brian's trousers, and slipped her hand inside. Reaching into his briefs, her fingers wrapped around his growing cock and it jumped at her touch. Brian is so predictable. All he ever wants is for me to suck his cock. Good thing I demand a good, expensive meal after these trysts, or I'd get nothing out of them. She pulled his cock out of his trousers, feeling the organ spread out in her palm.
“Oh, that feels good. I love it when you stroke me off.”
She stroked his shaft, gripping him harder as her hand reached the base. Every time she squeezed, his cock jumped in her hand. She liked the way it looked and felt in her hand. Purple with arousal and thick with veins, the well-formed head glistened with pre-cum. In her years since starting college she had enjoyed many different types of cocks and Brian's was especially hot because it was so big and he was uncircumcised. She liked the look of hard cocks. When they were hard they were so sensitive. A twist a little too far this way or that way could hurt, yet she knew from what past lovers had told her, the pain felt so good. She liked pulling Brian's cock too far; just to get a painful, yet aroused reaction out of him. Although she felt impatient, she relished the fact that she was a good lay. Her blowjob skills had improved greatly over the months, and she could also make Brian come very quickly with her hand jobs.
As she gently rolled back his foreskin and stroked his growing shaft, she cradled his balls in her other hand. She liked the way his cock grew to nearly twice its size, when all she did was brush her fingers against it. It felt hard yet sinewy, like a garden hose full of water. She enjoyed the effect she had on him, and she relished her power. Sex was a heady power surge, and Catherine could not get enough of it.
Brian's cock was big; longer and thicker than other cocks she had the pleasure of sucking and fucking. Plus, at his age of fifty-eight, he stayed harder for a longer time, and it took him much longer to come than men her own age of twenty-two. Catherine never faked orgasms. She liked sex so much that she had no trouble coming every time she fucked. When she didn't feel like coming, she simply said so. Faking an orgasm was something she never even considered doing.
Tonight was one night, however, that she wished Brian would hurry up, come, and get it over with. She hated their trysts at the park because she got little if anything out of them. She would much rather stay in a nice hotel and spend the evening fucking without feeling any pressure, but that was not to be this evening. She needed to be at Silver Spring College in the morning for her new summer job. So here she sat, sexually unsatisfied and feeling a bit used wondering when she was going to meet a man who could satisfy her insatiable sexual needs.
“Yes, stroke it, Baby. Go slowly.”
“Don't call me 'Baby'.” She hated it when he called her 'baby'. It made her feel like she was his property. “Baby” was also what her father called her mother when he was trying to excuse his extramarital affairs. He'd say, “I'm sorry, Baby,” when all he was sorry for was getting caught, not the actual affairs themselves. Catherine wondered if she saw married men because of the way her father treated her mother. At least with a married man, he couldn't force her to be exclusive. She didn't have to make a commitment to a married man or get too emotionally invested. She was interested in the sex more than the relationship. Whenever Brian called her “Baby”, he reminded her of why she saw married men and that made her feel uncomfortable. She preferred to be called “Honey” which sounded more affectionate. She'd even accept “Hon”, which was a popular term of endearment in her native Baltimore but Brian was from New York. She hated “Baby” because it sounded so crude to her. Her roommate's obnoxious boyfriend called her “Baby” when he was lying to her, so the word left a bad taste in Catherine's mouth.
“Slow down. Don't pump at it like that.”
I'll pump it any way I want. What if a cop drives up? We certainly can't explain ourselves to a Man in Blue. She stroked his cock gently, moving her palm up and down his shaft. His cock jumped in her hand. Rubbing her thumb across his head and then giving him a gentle squeeze, she heard him moan. Jizz leaked out and dribbled on the head, and she spread it with her fingers as if it were lubricant for her moist and hot hand. She curled against his chest, and pressed her ear against his rib cage. His heart thundered in his chest, as it always did when she beat him off. He loved a good hand job, and she really didn't mind turning him on so much, because turning him on made her feel sexy. No other woman turned him on the way she did. Not even his wife. But impatience overtook her mood this evening, and she wanted to do other things, like eat. Her stomach growled. She was famished, and all she could think about was a good steak dinner at their favorite restaurant. After he comes, we'll go out for something to eat. And he's going to come soon; by the way his cock feels right now.
“Suck on it. I love it when you suck on it.”
Of course he loved it. She honed her technique on him, and being that she was alone with him in his Mercedes, she decided to pass the time by practicing a bit more. His wife wouldn't go down on him, so she made sure she was the best suck he ever had. And she was.
March 24, 2011
Come To My New Blog And Web Site!
I have a new blog and web site, and I'm inviting everyone to it. This blog/web site focuses on my erotic writing. I will continue to post sex toys reviews on this blog. So, if you want to keep up with me, visit me at my new digs.
See you there!
February 15, 2011
Man Candy Tuesday #6 - Theme: Pirates!
It's that time again - Man Candy Tuesday! In honor of the hot men who appear every Monday on "Hawaii Five-0", I've dedicated Tuesdays to the most mouth-watering man candy out there. Enjoy!
This week's theme is pirates! I wrote two sex toys reviews with a pirate theme because the toys were promos from the porn movies "Pirates" and "Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge". Check out the reviews below:
Below are some sexy pirates for your enjoyment, including female pirates!
I just watched Tyrone Power in "The Black Swan", a pirate movie. I watched it as research for a pirate-themed erotic romance I'm going to write.
And of course, every woman's favorite sexy pirate...
February 08, 2011
Man Candy Tuesday #5 Plus I'm At Whipped Cream Today And Tomorrow!
It's that time again - Man Candy Tuesday! In honor of the hot men who appear every Monday on "Hawaii Five-0", I've dedicated Tuesdays to the most mouth-watering man candy out there. Enjoy!
Look for me today at Whipped Cream Reviews, where I was interviewed. Tomorrow I'll be at the Whipped Cream Yahoo group all day to hang out and chat with you. Please drop by and keep me company, and read the interview. It's very good.
I read an article saying that 75% of women fantasize about their men dressed as firemen. I'm not into firemen myself, but I know lots of women who are. Here are some sexy firemen, just for your viewing pleasure. Time to burn up my blog!
Please check out my interview and head for Whipped Cream tomorrow to hang out with me. And definitely make sure you never miss Man Candy Tuesday!
February 02, 2011
The Stylish Blogger Awards
I wanted to give a big shout out to Tess Mackall and the Three Wicked Writers blog for nominating me for the Stylish Blogger Awards. I am indeed honored and will pass along the kudos for sure.
For those who have been nominated, there are few criteria to meet:
1. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you, only do not re-nominate them.
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Pass along this nomination to 10 recently discovered stylish and cool bloggers
4. Contact them and tell them about their nomination.
Without further ado and in no particular order, here are my Stylish Blog nominees. Sorry, I could only come up with eight since others I would have nominated have already been nominated.
3. AJ Llewellyn
And here are some blogs that are just great to read on their own (note: I write for some of them):
Here are seven facts about me:
1. The only way you can get me to eat a pizza is to slather it with anchovies.
2. I have auburn hair down past my ass. It's nearly four feet long.
3. When I was 12 I ran a planetarium in Baltimore, Maryland.
4. When I was 14 I was a major in the Civil Air Patrol.
5. I can play the accordion.
6. I used to be a fundamentalist Christian until I actually read the Bible.
7. I almost asked out actor Daniel Baldwin when I worked on "Homicide: Life On The Street" but I chickened out.
Well, that's more than enough about me. Enjoy the blogs, and hang out in comments.