And They Call This Sludge Food?

I just found the blog The Sneeze, and it's a riot. The Count found his blog last night, and he was laughing so hard blood was pouring out of his eyes.

Steve rails on about Potted Meat in this post. The bold is as it appears in his post.

There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, "food." Already not a good sign.

The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with "MECHANICALLY SEPARATED CHICKEN." Oddly enough, I'm about to be separated from my lunch, and I haven't even opened the can yet.

Other ingredients include BEEF TRIPE, BEEF HEARTS, AND "PARTIALLY DE-FATTED COOKED PORK FATTY TISSUE" How does one de-fat fat? Bizarre. God knows what else is in here.

Okay, I'm going to go try it now. If i'm not back in ten minutes, call Poison Control...

[brief pause, illustrated with ice cream]

I'm back. Oofah.

Okay, here we go-- Pulling back the lid (not recommended) lets loose an odor that punches you in the nose like a stinky fist. If you've ever smelled a can of dog food, it's just like that. Only imagine you are opening the can while your head is wedged in a horse's ass.

Inside is a smooth, oddly pink meat paste. So smooth, in fact, I dare call it "creamy." (I actually got a little gaggy just typing that.) Surprisingly, it was a little spicier than I expected. Although, that sensation may have been a by-product of my tastebuds dying.

The can shows a serving suggestion of the Potted Meat being served on squares of toast. I would also suggest squares of toilet paper. Or maybe a nice diaper.

All I can tell you is, I survived the first installment of "Steve, Don't Eat It." And I have to admit it may have even been a little educational. I know I learned at least one thing from "Ralph's Potted Meat"-- Ralph is a fucking dick.

Not surprisingly, I've come up with a little slogan the peeps who handle Potted Meat Marketing can use (no charge, as always): POTTED MEAT FOOD PRODUCT: Made By, For, And With Assholes.

I bought a small can of Spam for the Royal Spawn a few years ago as a joke, since he's a Monty Python fan. He just laughed, but refused to eat it. It sat there on the shelf, looking forlorn and lonely amid the pasta boxes and peanut butter, for about two years.

During a money drought, the Count eyed up that can. He opened it, and ate it. Two year old Spam!! He said it was delicious. No fungus. Nothing crawling in it. I think he said he had Spam in the Navy, or he told me that Spam was popular with the military because it keeps well, and is easy to store. I just went "Ick!!!"

I should cue up the Spam song from Monty Python right now.