April 27, 2016
Are you looking to get your rocks off but you have no idea where to go? Are you tired of the same old, same old? Are you afraid of getting a computer virus from a porn site? Worry no more. You need YouPorn. Whatever your fetish, you'll find it here. There is a database of over 12,000 porn stars and 300 Premium studios, all yours for the taking.
Do you like redheads? Cosplay? Anal? Amateur vs. Professional? MILF? Creampie? Big tits? Little tits? You can find these categories and more at YouPorn. There are nearly 100 different categories to choose from, which makes it easier for you to meet your needs. You may also view popular videos by countries ranging as far and wide as Serbia to Egypt to Norway. These categories are chock full of videos for you to enjoy. Don't be disappointed in porn sites that have only a dozen or so videos per category. YouPorn's number in the hundreds and in some categories, thousands. Redhead alone has 5,410 videos. Anal has 39,538 videos. Gay and Cosplay are at the lower end of the spectrum with 144 and 234 videos respectively.
Videos are listed in categories such as "Most Viewed", "Most Discussed", and "Most Favorited". You even get to choose a random video. What fun!
The Live Sex tab is full of women waiting for you to show them some special attention. At the time I visited, there were over 1,600 models online with delicious names like Dirty Stroker and HOTAnastasiaXXX. These women are sexy, fit, and full of curves the way you like them. Long hair. Short hair. Blonde, brunette, and redhead. YouPorn has them all. There are tabs below each image to let you know which models are online and ready to sex you up. You may also choose features such as Party Chat, Gold Show, audio and phone. All the live chats are in HD, so you get the best Internet experience. Looking for a particular nationality? Choose a region like North America/UK/Australia Africa and Asia. You may even choose a chat language such as English, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Swedish, Portuguese and Dutch.
There are also numerous channels to choose from. Fake Taxi, Drunk Sex Orgy, Teeny Lovers, Female Director Series, and Massage Rooms are several examples of forty-five on the main page alone. There are plenty more with the click of a button.
YouPorn also entices you with videos that play on the site of men and women fucking like there's no tomorrow. Those videos alone will draw you into the site. There are ads but they are all porn related (of course) and they don't interfere with your enjoyment the way ads on other sites do. No pop ups to annoy you, either.
Want to see some porn stars? Check out various lovelies of every type imaginable. Riley Reid is ranked at number 1 at the moment with Lisa Ann at number 2.
Finally, for the most incredible online porn experience, visit the Premium HD page where you will get the highest quality viewing available.
All you need to do is sign up and get down and dirty with the sexiest women online. When you create an account, you get to download and watch your favorite videos. You also get to upload videos and share them with the community. Add personal notes to any video and even vote on them. Like some vids more than others? Create a "Personal Favorites" video collection.
YouPorn has all the porn you could possibly want to see. You'll never get tired of it and you'll never run out of videos to watch. The two day trial is only a buck, and then you will upgrade to premium because it's so great here you can't help yourself.
March 24, 2016
Virtual Reality (VR) Porn - An Introduction To VR At PornHub
Virtual Reality (VR) is the dream of the future from far in our past. You've seen it nearly 30 years ago in Star Trek: The Next Generation when the Enterprise crew enjoyed their hours off in the holodeck. Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in the hit movie Total Recall, which was about a man who longed for a VR vacation on Mars only to be drawn into an unfortunate series of events that took him to the red planet for real – or did it?
VR has long been popular in games. Characters in the hit game The Sims can blow a lot of bucks buying a VR system where they can imagine riding a horse and petting the same as if that animal stood right in front of them. Second Life may be viewed to some extent as Virtual Reality in that it creates a make-believe community. Entering a make-believe world is very appealing to many people, and games have explored avenues to make those worlds as real as possible for decades. So, because of games and movies, VR is nothing new.
It's also not new in fiction. Ray Bradbury explored VR in his short story The Veldt, which appears in his anthology The Illustrated Man. In 2015, I wrote a short erotic romance story called Longing. This story appears in the charity anthology Coming Together: Among The Stars. It's takes place in the future. My main character's husband suffers from dementia, and she has uploaded his personality onto a "cloud" similar to the database by the same name that exists today. She did this so she could remember him as she loved him in light of his steadily increasing debilitation. He barely remembers her now due to his disease. When she wants to reminisce about their past, she puts on the headpiece and takes an i. v. of drugs that enhances her experience. There is no need for earphones since the device taps directly into the brain. The problem is a problem common to some forms of artificial intelligence – what if she soon prefers her fantasy husband to her real one? Although she uploaded from his memory, her own memories, fantasies and wishes are also part of the A. I. Is her fantasy husband a better man than her real husband has ever been? Her fantasy calls her by nicknames and does things for her her real husband never did but she wished he did. Where does the fantasy VR end and reality begin?
Porn has now discovered VR. Porn has long been known to be a technological trend-setter. Rumors abound that it was porn that paved the way for the use of VHS over Betamax. The same applies to BluRay over DVD HD. Porn chose the format and those formats became popular in the general population. Since porn has developed a love for VR, could it become more popular in the mainstream in addition to its existing popularity in games and movies? Robert Weiss, senior vice president of Clinical Development at Elements Behavioural Health said, "Do you remember the 1980s, when people got off on old-fashioned phone sex? In the 1990s we got BBS systems, email, AOL, and text chat rooms. In the 2000s we got webcams and texting/sexting, etc. Future robotic tech advances to the point where people are sexual with and even fall in love with robots is not so far off, so at some point we may not even need real people."
Intrigued? Get your head gear now and head over to the Virtual Reality page at PornHub. You have about two dozen VR porn videos to choose from, including m/f strap on, cock sucking, f/m/f blow job, f/f strap on, and female masturbation while you watch. Each video is approximately six minutes long – plenty of time to get off. Visual cues are a fun and effective way to enjoy your porn. The women are slim and attractive. Blonde, brunette, you enjoy the woman you want. And there are a number to choose from. They are there to please you, oh futuristic man (or woman) wearing that headpiece.
You'll need the proper equipment if you want to play with VR porn. First, you need a high quality headpiece and headphones. You'd might as well go top-of-the-line and buy Oculus Rift headgear, even though it costs several hundred dollars. The cost is worth it for the full and enjoyable VR experience. Other headsets that cost considerably less money are Samsung Gear VT and Google Cardboard. Cardboard costs a minimum of $15.00 so if you are unsure, it's not a bad start. But once you give VR a try, you'll want to get that Oculus Rift.
VR in porn is so realistic you may want to get up out of your seat and wander about the room that exists in your headset. In most of the movies, you are seated in a chair and the action happens around you. You see your arms, torso and legs as if you're looking at them in the first person point of view. Swing your head 180 degrees in either direction and you will see what is around you in the VR room. You may even look overhead to see a ceiling. Don't look too far in any direction, though, because you'll see black. The vision goes only as far as 180 degrees. 360 degree VR porn does exist. You just have to look for it.
As you relax with curiosity in your chair, a woman or man approaches you in various stages of undress and when that person straddles your legs, you may reach out to brush your hands against their bodies only to feel air. In one article I read, a woman looking around the VR room wanted to get up, go to the bar she saw, and pour herself a drink. That's how real it looks. It's so real some people even experience motion sickness. If you don't like those hand-held camera movies like The Blair Witch Project or Cloverfield because they give you a scorching case of vertigo, take some Dramamine before you play with VR porn. Leonor LaPlaza, relations manager of Virtual Real Porn said, "Watching an adult film in VR makes you to feel like you are inside the film. You can move your head to look whatever you want, and with our stereoscopic 3D technology, you can feel how the actors come close to your face, whispering in your ears like they were really there."
You may even gender bend. If you're a woman, choose a movie with a man as the central focus so you may "experience" what it's like for a man when a woman goes down on him. Or when she shoves her breasts in his face for him to suck. The same applies to men. He may vicariously discover what it feels like to have breasts pinched and squeezed. Or to be entered by an erect cock. Sascha Segan wrote about VR porn, "I have abs. There's also a naked woman writhing on me, but honestly, I'm equally surprised I have abs." It's a crazy experience to switch genders when playing with VR porn. Try it. You'll probably like it. You might even become aroused at the mere idea of pretending to be the opposite sex and getting some of that sexy action.
VR is not out to replace human physical contact. It only provides an additional experience to enjoy, especially if you like video porn. Sascha Segan wrote, "A few days ago, Las Vegas brothel Sheri's Ranch sent out a sort of anti-VR porn press release, reminding folks that sex is better when it's interactive and involves real human connection. They're right, of course. But I don't think VR porn is competing with actual sex; it's competing with "ordinary" video porn, and the difference is huge." While VR porn is hot and different, it has disadvantages. First, you need to spend money on the proper equipment. Second, it's a bit more trouble to set up than watching plain old video or online porn. It's harder to hide your porn habit using VR equipment than it would be to just press a button on a computer keyboard when the kids come into your office unannounced while you're enjoying The Best Of Three Way Gang Bang. Then there is the motion sickness some people experience. It may also be viewed as a novel experience that you take on just to say you did it. On the other hand, VR is a fun and not-so-new way to engage your own fantasies, whether or not they are porn. Porn is only the latest genre to discover the joys and excitement of VR.
Head over to the Virtual Reality page at PornHub and enjoy VR whether it's your first time or your hundredth time. Check out the video below for more information about VR at PornHub. It's a fun way to get your rocks off. Immerse yourself in your surroundings and lose yourself in the wave of the future.
March 18, 2016
My Luv Box: Doc Johnson Rump Shakers Butt Plug (Medium)
Butt plugs are a wonderful toy to play with, but vibrating butt plugs are the bomb. The Doc Johnson Rump Shakers Butt Plug (medium) delivers the goods with fervor. You may buy this toy at My Luv Box. This butt plug is thick enough to please the experienced and narrow enough and comfortable enough to please the novice. It's a great introductory butt plug.
I've used a wide variety of butt plugs, running a range from very slender newbie plugs to monster Oh My God How Will That Thing Fit Up My Ass plugs. I've found I prefer the medium-sized ones. They're big enough so that I get that full feeling I enjoy that I don't get from the more slender plugs, and at the other end of the spectrum I don't feel as if there's a wedge shoved up my bum that's going to cleave me in two like an oak tree. Rump Shakers Butt Plug (medium) is right in that mid-range that I like so much. It measures 4.6 x 0.9 x 5 inches. Lightweight and streamlined, this butt plug will slide right in with no problem. It's made of PVC. Doc Johnson anti-bacterial Sil-A-Gel material. This company also uses body safe, non-toxic and phthalate-free material. Use a water-based lube with this product.
This butt plug takes 2 AA batteries. With a twist of one knob, you're buzzing in seconds. These controls are incredibly easy to use. You twist one way, you get buzz. You twist the other way you make the buzz go away. Most importantly, this toy is quiet. There's nothing more mortifying than the sound of loud buzzing of a vibrator in a very quiet room. When you hear that kind of wasp's nest you swear everyone within a five mile radius can hear it. Not this butt plug. This baby is quiet.
I used my favorite water-based lube, and it didn't take much to help this plug slide inside me. The base is flared to keep it from sliding in so far I can't get it out. This plug is hands-off. It stays in on its own without my needing to hold it in place or prevent it from sliding in too far. That freed up my hands for more fun things. The length is very comfortable. I didn't feel as if it was tapping on my spleen. It was the right width and length to both feel comfortable and arousing.
Then I turned the wheel on the controls.
Bam! Those vibes gave me an itch I was dying to scratch. I squirmed with delight on my bed as those vibrations worked their magic. I used my Lelo Soraya to stimulate my vagina and clitoris, since I like Triple Pleasure (vagina, clit, anus) which always gives me a monumental orgasm.
It didn't take long. Combining the vibrations of the butt plug with the vibrations from Soraya and I came in about ten minutes. I writhed on the bed clenching my teeth in abject pleasure like a cat jumping on an electrified floor. Spent, I collapsed on the bed, savoring my afterglow. The plug and Soraya slid right now without a problem. I cleaned both and put them back in their respective boxes. That was a very enjoyable self-fucking session.
If you're looking for a butt plug that is of a moderate size – neither too big nor too small since we're Goldilocks here – Doc Johnson's Rump Shakers butt plug in medium is the toy for you. Get your lube out and get your kit on. You'll enjoy this toy so much you will use it every day and night.
The Countess Posted on March 18, 2016 at 01:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) in Sex Toys - Anal Toys , Sex Toys - Lelo , Sex Toys - Luxury , Sex Toys - My Luv Box , Sex Toys - Vibrators , Sex Toys Reviews
February 19, 2016
Review: Tube8 and Tube8 Live
Tube8 is a porn site with much to offer. It's actually two sites packed into one. Tube8 Live also a part of this web site. The company logo of the 8 ball is perfect since you want to shoot your ball into a corner pocket. No matter your kink or fetish, you'll find what you need on this web site. When you first go to the site you'll find the day's featured porn videos. When I visited, I saw videos of a fantasy glory hole, a Hawaiian woman masturbating with a dildo, a f/m/f three way, a f/f/f three way – several three ways, in fact – interracial, and lots of straight fucking. You won't be disappointed since the variety is very broad.
The newest videos are below the featured videos. It's best to level up and buy a membership so you don't have to deal with the videos buffering and you may take advantage of all the goodies Tube8 has to offer.
Video quality is high. Many of the videos are in HD and are labeled that way. They also include a time on the lower right corner to let you know how long the video lasts. There are no shadows to see through or out-of-focus shots. The men and women are well-lit and good-looking. The women wear sexy, pretty lingerie that doesn't stay on long. Makeup isn't overdone. Everyone looks real and natural. Sets are clean and sparse so you focus on the actors. The music is soft and perfect for the background. It's not the laughable bow-chicka-bow-bow music so common in porn movies of the past.
I watched Moms Teach Sex and it was sexy, cute, and naturally acted. I loved the storyline with the guy hiding in the closet to stay out of his woman's way but he was spying on the woman in the bed. He was sexy, cute, and very funny. A winning combination. The women were very attractive and thrilled to be there. Another winning combination. The acting wasn't at all stilted and they looked like they were enjoying themselves.
The categories are so varied you won't know where to begin. Pick any category and you'll be pleased at what you find. Categories run the range from Amateur to Tranny. I looked at my favorites: Big Tits, Brunette, Couple, Lesbian, MILF, and Redhead. Big Tits, for example, had scads videos of nubile young and gorgeous women to watch, and they were of all body types, ages, and races. Natural and silicone love bags, all for the grabbing. A list of popular categories runs across the top of the page: amateur, anal, Asian, blowjob, ebony, erotic, fetish, hardcore, HD, Indian, Latina, lesbian, mature, strip, and teen.
When you click on a category, click on any topic on the right. This is Tube8 Live. You'll find what you need in that topic on the page. The list to the left lists the types of videos. They are divided by girls and guys so the ladies and gay men may also enjoy themselves. Popular categories under girls are Anal Sex, Blonde, Co-Eds, Feet Fetish, Housewives, Latina, Medium Tits, Petite Body, Shaved Pussy, Small Tits, Smoking, White Girls, and the number one on the site – Toys. While there aren't as many visits or selections under guys, what is there is top notch. Choose between uncut, non-nude, muscle, frat boys, gay, big cock, bears, all guys cams, athletic, and more.
You won't run out of material to watch. There are a whopping 4,400 pages of videos to go through. You'll be a shriveled up old carcass before you get through them all. There are also thousands of tags listed in alphabetic order. You can go by a woman's name or by category, country, nationality, and much more.
Let's say you enjoy the videos and they really get you off. But you want more. You want actual contact, whether physical or web-based. You can get both at Tube8. To get to Tube8 Live, click on the "category" tag on the main page. On the new page, you'll see Tube8 Live in a column to the right. Head to Tube8 Live to watch real-time videos of women strutting their stuff and undressing and sexing themselves up just for your benefit. Additional pages reveal more detailed categories. There is a search feature at the top so you may find what you want quickly and without fuss.
If you click on Meet & Fuck, you get exactly that. Of course, you need an account to do this. So what are you waiting for? Get your account now!
This site is easy to navigate and you will easily find whatever your heart desires, no matter what it is or how obscure you think your kink may be. Tube8 is part of the Pornhub Network, which promotes very high quality porn sites. It so arousing and satisfying you'll want to stay day and night.
February 10, 2016
Review: Massage Me Kiss Me Edible Warming Oil - Chocolate
I'm a sucker for a sensuous, muscle-melting massage. I also will trade favors for a foot rub. My legs often hurt so a foot and calf rub goes a long way towards making me a very happy woman. I love massage oils, especially the flavored type. Since my favorite flavor is chocolate, I decided to give Massage Me Kiss Me Edible Warming Oil - Chocolate a try. As the product name says, this oil warms as you use it. Warming oils are a delightful way to awaken your sense of touch.
My husband and I often give each other foot rubs in bed. We lie at opposite ends of the waterbed with pillows under our head and our legs on top of each other with feet resting in laps. The perfect foot massage position. Our feet are within easy hand's reach so all we need do is press our fingers into tender arches. My husband loves it when I rub between his toes. I can't stand that because it tickles. Instead of rubbing me between my toes, he kneads my calves and runs his hands up and down my shins. Sheer Heaven. While giving massages without oil works just fine, it's so much nicer with that slick liquid roiling over your skin. The scent of chocolate is faint but pleasant. The taste is of mild cocoa with a touch of cayenne, like Mexican chocolate. It seemed a bit spicy to me, which was a nice change. Not super OMG CHOCOLATE! I'M GOING INTO A DIABETIC COMA! But pleasant nonetheless. I blew on my hands to see if the oil warmed and did just a little, but as I massaged the oil seemed to warm up as I used it. The effect was wonderful. Brought blood to the surface and made my feet feel even more sensitive as my husband massaged me.
A little of this massage oil goes a long way. I didn't need to use much. It's also thick. I don't like watery massage oils. They tend to get all over the place and they don't have the staying power of the thicker stuff. I didn't leave finger and hand prints in my wake when I finished using it. This massage oil is also not greasy. I didn't need a shower after our mutual foot massage. This oil provides some moisturizing which was especially welcome this cold, dry winter. It made our skin very soft and even softened callouses on our feet.
If you would like a pleasant smelling and tasting thick massage oil that warms, pick up a bottle of Massage Me Kiss Me Edible Warming Oil, chocolate flavor. Buy this oil and other intimate products at My Luv Box.
February 01, 2016
My Luv Box: Adam and Eve's Triple Pleasure Rabbit Review
Adam and Eve's Triple Pleasure Rabbit
I have always loved getting triple play action when it comes to sex play. My husband knows this and pleasures me accordingly. He sticks his index and middle fingers in my vagina, his pinky in my anus, and he toys with my clit with his thumb. I squirm and squeal and make little kitten noises. When he does this he kinda looks like a redneck holding a bowling ball. So I call it the Bowling Ball Maneuver.
Imagine my sheer joy when I discovered that there are sex toys that do the same thing. I was delighted! So was my husband since maneuvering your hand like that makes it cramp easily. He has arthritis and even though he enjoys giving me pleasure it comes at a price. So now he can be like those therapists in the late 1890s and early 1900s who treated Victorian women for hysteria. Instead of working your arm and hand until you needed to dose them in an ice bath to ease the pain, you use a vibrator to do the work for you. That was the first use of vibrators. It's why they were invented. They were medical aids used by doctors to treat women with an ailment that didn't actually exist, but I figure the women enjoyed the "treatment" so much they came back for more. If only the doctors taught their husbands the techniques. They would never have had to return to the doc. But that is money out of doc's pocket, so he wouldn't want to give up his trade secrets.
Adam and Eve makes such a sex toy, which pleases me since Adam and Eve is a fine sex toy company. It's one of my favorites. You can rely on an Adam and Eve toy to be well-made and long-lasting. The Adam and Eve Triple Pleasure Rabbit gives the Bowling Ball Maneuver a run for its money. At only $60.99, you get lots of knee-knocking bang for your buck. The toy is phthalate-free and made of high-quality silicone – one of the best materials for sex toys – and it is 10 inches long. Longer than nature intended, with all the fun packed in. It's also 1 inch wide so you won't feel like an oak tree being cleaved in two. It takes 3 AA batteries. This toy is waterproof so take it in the bath with you. I didn't use it in the bath – I used it in bed – but I could easily bathe with it.
It's not overly heavy, which is a nice switch since these types of rabbits tend to weigh a ton. My wrist didn't give out for a change. The controls are also easy to use. When you hold the rabbit while using it, your thumb naturally falls right in place over the right buttons. It's just a matter of memorizing which ones do what and that's easy enough. This toy does it all – vibrates, pulsates, escalates, rotates. There are so many variations of all that movement that you'll likely never use all of them. I tried various speeds, pulsations, and escalations. All of them were good. I controlled the power and intensity, which was easy and exactly what I wanted.
Insertion was easy. I used a water-based lube and inserted the main body of the rabbit. The anal stimulator fell right in place and I gently guided it in with no problem. The clit bumper was positioned properly. Everything was in place and ready to go. While I enjoy vaginal and clit action at once, when you combine them with anal stimulation you get OMG EXPLOSIONS! It's as if Michael Bay directed my sex play.
This sex toy did its job quickly without being too fast because I controlled the stimulations. I like that. Coming too quickly is no problem because you'll have multiple orgasms with this rabbit. So hop to it and head to My Luv Box and pick up the Adam and Eve Triple Pleasure Rabbit for yourself. Does the woman you love have a birthday coming up? Is it your anniversary? This rabbit would make a sensational gift you both may enjoy. Get it, use it, and invent your own variation of the Bowling Ball Maneuver. You will have a blast. Michael Bay directed or otherwise.
The Countess Posted on February 1, 2016 at 12:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) in Sex Toys - Anal Toys , Sex Toys - Luxury , Sex Toys - My Luv Box , Sex Toys - Rabbits , Sex Toys - Vibrators , Sex Toys Reviews
January 28, 2016
Next On The Women Show (Radio) - Internet Crazies
Elizabeth Black writes in a wide variety of genres including erotica, erotic romance, and dark fiction. She lives on the Massachusetts coast with her husband, son, and three cats. Visit her erotic fiction web site, her horror/dark fiction web site, her Facebook page, her erotic fiction Amazon Author Page, and her dark fiction/horror Amazon Author Page.
They are coming out of the woodwork. Plenty of people, especially women, have had to deal with Internet crazies. These crazies often show up in your Facebook private messages. Sometimes they aren't even your friends. I've had a slew of them recently, mostly men. Claiming to have military service is popular. Just today, I saw another one who claimed to be military stationed in Iraq. He had only one friend in common with me and I have no idea who that woman is. There was no other information about him available on Facebook. He doesn't update his timeline with anything about himself. Nope, all these guys do the same thing. He posted a picture of himself in civies and another picture of himself in his uniform. That's it.
Why do so many of these guys think that making a fake military listing will attract women? I've heard from numerous high-ranking (yeah, like I'm going to believe that) military personnel, especially doctors, who say they are stationed in the Middle East. They're rank, all right. Then there are the non-American men who immediately ask me if I'm married with children. Unfriend. Block. Or the men who tell me my profile picture is beautiful and they want to be my friend. When I told one I was married and not interested in hooking up with anyone, he said he'd love to pretend I was his sister. Yeah, sure. Unfriend. Block. Or the men who claim to have incurable illnesses (brain cancer is popular) and want to leave their money to me if only I leave them my bank information. Unfriend. Block. I toyed with one of these guys a few years ago only because he wrote in French and I wanted to brush up on my French. He asked me where I lived, if I was married, if I had children, and then launched into his sad story of having brain cancer and he needed me to donate money to him for experimental surgery that just happened to cost thousands of dollars. I noticed all his friends were female, mostly romance writers I knew. I warned a few about him, and they unfriended and blocked him. He did not update his timeline at all. The only updates were from unsuspecting women thanking him for his friend invite. I imagine he contacted them with the same tall tales hoping to get some cold hard cash out of them. I told him I couldn't give him any money, but I was suffering from an illness myself – terminal acne – and I desperately needed him to send me money for experimental surgery. I can't take credit for that one. I first saw that one on the comic strip Bloom County. Bill the Cat died from terminal acne. So I stole from the best. He ignored me and kept trying to get money out of me. He didn't react to anything I wrote no matter how outrageous it was. All he wanted was to part me from my money. I finally got bored and I stopped writing to him. He never wrote back and I see now his account is gone.
Women pull these stunts, too. I heard from one from Japan whom I friended and I should have known better. She immediately signed me up for two groups on Facebook with explicit porn. Unfriend. Block. Or the other woman on Facebook who talked to me for a few days before sending me a private message to say she was in dire need of several thousand dollars and could I lend it to her? Nope. Those "I'm stranded in Europe and I need money" scams from people faking your friend's accounts are common. So are money scams on the web. Unfriend. Block. These Facebook porn groups piss me off. Facebook won't take them down, but you post a book cover with so much as a hint of a nipple and not only is your cover taken down but you're put in Facebook jail for a week or more.
About ten years ago, I stumbled upon The Spam Letters, a website by Jonathan Land, a wiseguy who answered spam he received in the most outrageous and ridiculous manner. Some of the spammers actually wrote back and still tried to sell him stuff he didn't need or tried to part him from his money. He included lots of his responses to classic Nigerian e-mail scam letters. He has since taken down all of the several hundred spam letters except for about two dozen since he has compiled them all in a book, and the book is available for sale on Amazon. I did manage to find my favorite Spam Letter. He responded to an unsolicited email trying to sell him erectile dysfunction herbal supplements. Here's his hilarious reply.
Boy, do I have a bone to pick with you.
You should really pay more attention to who you send your advertising to.
I am a 17-year-old college student, who, as any average 17-year-old male could tell you, is sexually excited more often then not. If a butterfly flaps its wings in China, I guarantee you there isn't an atomic clock that can accurately measure the speed with which I will pitch a tent.
I know you were hoping to get some 45-year-old dentist who has spent the past 20 years of his life with a woman who makes any given NPR personality look like a sex kitten, and yes, that includes the guys from "Car Talk".
My point is this: because of your primitive "marketing strategy, you have screwed me over BIG TIME!
I've been seeing this girl for about three months now, and I've finally figured out the right combination of sensitivity and alcohol to coerce her into relieving me of that mighty, mighty albatross: virginity. So, we're back at my room in the frat house. We start making out a little and I need to go to the bathroom because I'm wicked blitzed, and I haven't taken a leak all night. So she asks, "while you're gone, do you mind if I download some mood music off of Napster"? Since I only have Limp Bizkit CDs, I have no "sensitive, love-making music," so I say, "Sure, get some Smashing Pumpkins or shit like that Baby." Am I good or what?
So I'm in the bathroom thinking: Okay, if I take her clothes off at the rate of one article every 10 minutes (an efficient, yet sensitive pace – I'm a math major), I will be losing my virginity within the hour, but then I realize: Hey, we're in Buffalo, NY. In winter. Who knows how many layers of clothing she's wearing! I might stay a virgin for two more hours! I can't take it! (That's when I remembered that I had thermal underwear on, and that just ain't manly by any yardstick, so I got rid of them.)
I come out of the bathroom, and she's just sitting there wit this completely different expression on her face. She says: "Sweetie, I saw that e-mail about the natural Viagra stuff that your friend sent you. It's okay, we don't need to rush this." I was completely torn. I can't say something like, "Yo, that ain't true, I'll make sweet, sweet love to you senseless right here, right now, over and over and over" without giving up the sensitive front. So I say, "Baby, I'm sorry you had to find out about my erectile dysfunction this way, but I'd like to try this. I'd like to try and make you happy." She was on board. Kid Genius had saved the day!
So we were fooling around for a few hours, and all I'm thinking from the get-go is: "Okay, why am I not hard yet?" This girl is a cheerleader for Christ's sake, and my penis is acting like I'm in bed with Nathan Lane. After a while she gets real frustrated, calls me a fag, goes home, and the next day she's doing one of my fraternity brothers. My one prospect of virginity-loss has slipped through my hands like a grain of sand in an hourglass, a moment of time that cannot be regained, just like that grain of sand that will never pass through the glass chamber in the same way, no matter how many times you flip the thing over. And believe me. I tried flipping her over, and that didn't work either. (I've got a minor in philosophy – can you tell??)
Did you know that some ancient tribes from South America, such as the Yanomamo, punish murderers not only for the people they've killed, but for the deaths of the potential descendants of those people as well? Well I should fucking sue you to the tune of all the girls I could have done by now if I lost my virginity as scheduled. All because of you, I'm still a virgin. Maybe since last week I could have banged 30 chicks a night, but I'll never know now. I'm just sitting around waiting for the mayor of Poonville to award me the medal of pity and give me the key to the city.
Thanks loads, dude,
If you'd like to buy the book to read more of these delightful letters, just to go Amazon and look for The Spam Letters in either Print or Kindle. What's really amusing is that Land convinced a spammer to write his forward. Go check out the book.
Now back to more Internet crazies. Before I was a fiction writer and sex/relationships writer, I wrote political and feminist articles for several magazines and web sites. I was quite well known, and with the fame came the misogynistic baggage all feminists have to deal with. These were my first Internet crazies. I regularly heard from men's rights activists who liked to tell me I was wrong about everything while calling me a cunt and worse. In case you don't know what they are, men's rights activists are men – mostly middle aged white men but some are younger and of color – who feel that their sense of entitlement is being threatened by gains made by women, people of color, and GLBT folk. There are also women in the men's rights movement. They are the men's auxiliary, and they support the guys in every way, even down to doing their grunt work for them. These women were most often wives, girlfriends, sisters, and mothers of the men in the movement, and they had a vested interest in seeing the status quo maintained. I estimated that women comprised about 40% of the movement. Some of these guys want to repeal women's right to vote. They claim the vast majority of rape allegations are false. These guys will whine to anyone who will listen to them, and that often consists of an echo chamber of their own kind. Now, they meet on the Internet. Before the Internet, they met in member's homes, church halls, or other public places. They're very politically active and they try to roll back gains made by women, people of color, and GLBT folk over the past 30 odd years. And I heard from plenty of them, the emails ranging from mild insults to death threats.
Due to the influx of nutcases harassing me on Facebook over the past week, I've decided to host a radio show on The Women Show about Internet crazies. Do you have your own tales of strange men harassing you on Facebook? Do you get email from Nigerian princes who want to send you millions of dollars (people still fall for that one?)? Do writers friend you only to immediately spam your timeline and private messages with junk about their books without so much as saying hello? If you've experienced any of this or know someone who has, this is the show for you. Here are details:
The Women Show – Internet Crazies
Date: Thursday February 18, 2016 6:30 – 7 PM EST
Host – Elizabeth Black
Guests – Phoenix Johnson, Christine Morgan, and Jen Winters.
Keep an eye on my Facebook page for more details, including a link to the show with more information.
Elizabeth Black - Facebook
January 20, 2016
My Luv Box: Lelo Soraya Review
I have long had a love affair with Lelo sex toys. I own Liv, Lily, Nea, Gigi, and Luna beads. As the years progress, Lelo toys only get better and better. I'm going to tell you all about Soraya, Lelo's streamlined rabbit, and you'll want to buy one immediately. Soraya isn't the only Lelo toy you may find at My Luv Box. Check out the site for more selections.
First, let's get the particulars out of the way. Soraya is an 8 ¾ inch vibrator with an insertable size just thick enough to make me purr. The insertable size is 5 by 1 ½ inches. Not too big, not too small. Just right. Like Goldilocks. Like all Lelo toys, this one is rechargeable which means you don't have to mess with pesky wires getting tangled between your legs and harshing your cool. The charge time is about two hours and the run time is four hours continuous use on full charge. There's plenty of time for you to enjoy Soraya without having to recharge it.
The toy is lightweight, which is very good since I've noticed many high tech rabbits are a bit on the heavy side. Trying to get off when your wrist aches isn't fun. The controls are also easy to use. You don't have to be fluent in Braille to use Soraya's controls. With a press of a button you may change the pulsations and vibrations as well as the speed. There are 8 unique vibration modes, and all of them are serious yum. I prefer a constant hum at a mid-level of intensity, and then I ramp up the intensity the closer I come to orgasm.
I've used many rabbits. Some are too heavy. Some are too cumbersome. Some are just too damned big. Some are frankly ugly. Some have buttons that are hard to use. Even the LED lighting doesn't help. Some are too loud. Some have vibrations that are too intense and the controls are hard to use. The unwieldy ones make me want to put the toy back in its box and never use it again. Soraya has none of those problems. It's a beautifully-desinged sex toy – streamlined and classy looking. It doesn't look like a gigantic purple glitter penis. It's lightweight with pleasant vibrations and pulsations. It has elegant packaging. It even has its own satin pouch. It's rechargeable, which is always a big plus in my book.
Best of all is the way it makes me feel. The vibrations are designed to be positioned in the perfect spots. No twisting is necessary to make sure my sweet spots are hit at the same time. I can move it back and forth for additional pleasure. It also doesn’t feel like I'm impaling myself when I use it. I could go for hours using Soraya, which means that four hour continuous charge is a good thing.
The vibrations are also pleasant. They aren't so strong that I go numb. I can control that. I can make the shaft and clit stimulator run independent of each other, too. Always a plus in a rabbit.
The clit stim is positioned in such a way that it accurately homes in on my clitoris. I don't have to use deft hand maneuvers to get the vibes in the right places.
Soraya is made of skin-safe materials. Silicone and medical –grade plastic, to be specific It also has a metallic coat. It has an ABS core. This toy comes in three colors – deep rose, cerise, and black.
When you buy Soraya, it comes in a fancy black box with the toy nestled snugly in its spot. The charger is in its own section and a small pouch for the toy sits beneath it. You also get a moisturizer sample, an instruction booklet, and your warranty. The packaging is very classy, which is what you expect from Lelo.
As usual, Lelo delivered. It hit it out of the park with Soraya. I can't recommend this vibrator enough. If you like rabbits but find them sometimes to be as cumbersome as I do, you must purchase Soraya. Get one for yourself and someone you love.
The Countess Posted on January 20, 2016 at 07:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) in Sex Toys - Lelo , Sex Toys - Luxury , Sex Toys - My Luv Box , Sex Toys - Rabbits , Sex Toys - Vibrators , Sex Toys Reviews
November 05, 2015
Emotional Bliss Intimate Massagers
Emotional Bliss Intimate Massagers is holding a massive Indiegogo campaign, and you must get in on it! Here's the link to Emotional Bliss's Indiegogo campaign. Founded by Paul Telford working with Julia Cole an eminent British Psychosexual Therapist working in collaboration with Relate and The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (CORST), with over 300+ Psychosexual Therapists from the UK, Europe, USA and Australia based on the pioneering work undertaken in the 60's by Masters and Johnson in the USA. Emotional Bliss has evolved through a better understanding of how to stimulate the orgasmic platform, the most sexually responsive area within the female body.
Founder Paul Telford rightly said, "Every woman has the right to embrace their natural orgasm. Now... and throughout their lives."
I've reviewed two of Emotional Bliss's vibrators, the Femblossom and the Womolia. Both are fab. Here are my reviews. Read them, and participate in the campaign.
Enjoy female pleasure like never before with Emotional Bliss products. Head to the Emotional Bliss Indiegogo campaign page and sign up now!
February 17, 2015
Coming In 2015 - New Family Saga/Thriller Novel SECRETS AND LIES
Here's the blurb:
"Secrets and Lies" is the tale of Kate Stanwood, an ordinary woman thrown into extraordinary circumstances when her father is found murdered. She lives on Caleb's Woe, a Nantucket-like island and artist's community off the coast of northeastern Massachusetts. As she delves into her father's death and her family's history, she discovers many dark secrets her friends and family want to see remain buried. Her classy, sophisticated uncle and family patriarch is a child predator, her brother cheats on his wife and his taxes, and mysterious circumstances surround her own birth. The appearance of her new friend Dominique Beauvoir on the scene only raises more questions. Why is this woman so eager to get close to Kate's family? This story is about two women who find out who they really are and where they're really from. It's also about how Kate discovers the cozy notion of family she had held for many years has been a sham.
Here's an excerpt:
It looked like someone had taken a wrecking ball to the living room. The dining room chairs had been thrown onto their sides. Shattered crockery and glassware lay in piles at the base of two antique crystal cabinets. A brass floor lamp lay across the rug, its round, fringed shade crushed like a spent balloon.
The family painting, a banquet table-sized oil that normally hid the safe above the fireplace mantle, had been tossed to the floor and shredded. These were not random slashes. The majority was across Matthew's face; the fewest scored that of Clara, Robbie's mother. Deep tears gaped in the canvas where Robbie's sister Kate's face had once been. The slashes that coursed across his face in the portrait disturbed him so much that he ran his palms over his cheeks.
The safe was open and empty. Robbie knew that his father kept some stock certificates, rubber-banded wads of cash, paperwork related to the family business, and old letters in it. He couldn't remember what else was in there, but whatever it was, it was now gone.
When he first saw the blood on the floor next to the breakfront, he wasn't sure what it was. It took a few seconds for the scene to sink in. He took a few steps closer to the tableau to get a full view. The smell hit him square in the face. It was so strong that he could taste it: thick and metallic. His stomach convulsed. He swallowed hard to keep from vomiting.
His father lay face up with his arms and legs splayed at cock-eyed angles, like a marionette that landed in a broken pile when tossed in its box after the show was over.
A gaping hull was all that remained of his fathers' face. Robbie averted his gaze so that he wouldn't have to look at where those accusing eyes had been. He squeezed his own eyes shut so tightly that he saw his blood flowing in dark waves that mimicked the spray of splattered gore on the wall behind his fathers' head. When he composed himself, he opened his eyes. Bugs Bunny heckled him from the television, one finger pointing at him as if all of this was his fault.